Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
