Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
