Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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