I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
