I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
We had to coat check the pizza.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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