So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
