we're chasing vodka with high fives
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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