spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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