I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
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I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
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At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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