you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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