Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
