I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
