Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
