So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We left the knife in your bed.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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