i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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