let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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