Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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