You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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