My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
