normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
