i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
