They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
