Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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