dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
