You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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