At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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