im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
