In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
two words...techno handjob
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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