Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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