Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
