Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
