i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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