A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
