I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
someone owes me an orgasm
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
