either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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