I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
