Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
