Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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