The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
