Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
