Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
