I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize