Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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