my sisters under your porch take her home
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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