I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
