The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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