So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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