I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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