I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
