i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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