I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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