I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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