cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
