Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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