remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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