god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
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