why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
