took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
PANTIES FOUND
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
