My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
