All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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