so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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