i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
