I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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